Rethink

So many times, I started to write a story, trying to use metaphor to cover the fact that the character in the story is actually me. Saved the little part of paragraph as a draft and eventually delete it. So many times, I was emotional, urged to blog, but eventually held it back. Just because I was scared. My words are scan deled just for online purposes and I had forgotten my initial purpose to start a blog.

Today I was deeply touched and reminded. Why do I care so much about what other thinks about me?

So often, I felt neglected. I was just out of peoples’ mind because I was thought to be self-sufficient. No messages. Forgotten. The one that get the news the last. Gathering without me still goes the same. Felt isolated and it seems that if I don’t make the effort to join, then I would just let to be by my own.

Why? Why is it like that? Am I that worthless and insignificant? Am I really needed not to be cared? Or is it my attitude that sends such a message to the other? Or is it because me myself does not care for others. I tried. Sometimes I even think that my strength has deterred people from getting near to me. I am intimidating and scary. So I started to be moody. Lonely.

Such shallow thinking. I had overlooked on what I had and scrutinized on little and petite unimportant things. I had forgotten the care and love showered by my family, pastors’ family and some of my friends that I had. Maybe I was thinking too much. Maybe the thought I had and the reason for me to be moody are too unimportant and unnecessary for some. But Lord, you know that I care. Even I was so stupid and naïve to be trapped in such childish thinking for so long, you do care about me. You have seen the struggle and mood swing I had these days.

You dance over me,
While I am unaware.
You sing all around,
But I never hear the sound.

Lord I am amazed by you,
Lord I am amazed by you,
Lord I am amazed by you,
How you love me…….

He sees me in my struggle, He knows my emotion even I don’t express it, He is always there for me. He knows my loneliness, He knows my longing, He knows and he understands.

Once again, I am embraced in your warm and tight hug. So warm to hide under your sanctuary. Don’t worry my daughter. Ya... I had forgotten that it is the Lord that provide me with this scholarship, it is Him who had brought me into the express class, not my own, not my result, not my study, is Him alone. He had brought me here; I need not to be worried. What I need to do is just follow Him, do my best for Him and leave all my worries and burden to Him. Without Jesus Christ, I would be nothing. Literally nothing.

Thanks Lord for the consolation and comfort that you have spoken to me today. Do not worry. I am created this way for a purpose. Maybe in the future, I would meet someone who goes through the same situation as me. And I could be there to consult her. Maybe the test and endurance I am going through now will help other in the future. I might seem intimidating and deterring, but Lord, you created and gave me that. He had a purpose and plan for me. If all these could help others, I believe what I am going through now is worthwhile.

Instead of doubting and indulging myself in self-pity, I shall utilize what I have to the fullest and focus. See what I can do. At least I know that, Lord the Father loves me, He appreciated me and He cares about me. That’s more than enough for any worldly things. I am reminded not to care so much about what other thinks about me. I shall live for Him, not to the world.

He cares for even the raven, what more to say it is me. He clothes the lilies, what more to say it is me, His daughter. Ya, an assurance of love, an assurance of promise……..

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life, whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what is the use of worrying over bigger things?

Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to think. Don’t worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need."

Luke 12:22-31

What a comfort…..